I pulled my car up behind the ambulance in front of Lisa's house and got out of the car, my legs shaking badly.  I told the  policeman nearest me:  "I'm Lisa's mother, I want to see her!"  The view across the street was blocked, the doors of the ambulance open and no one was inside.  I couldn't see Lisa, I didn't know  she was lying across the street,
 dead.
The policeman stared blankly at me.
"I'm Lisa's mother and I want to see her", I repeated, becoming more frightened.

A strange look came over the officer's face.  He seemed unable to respond  and eventually blurted out:  "Well ma'am, he bludgeoned her to death."

I heard a scream in my ears that seemed to come from the depths of the earth and rise to the heavens.  I distinctly remember that in the midst of that scream, these words coming into my mind:  "Free at last, my beautiful daughter, free at last."

That's what it can come to for victims of domestic violence and their families.  The final release from stalking, beatings, victimization and harassment is in death.  I felt my knees going out from under me and someone holding me up and saying:  "The girls need you."

     The opinions of lawyers often propogate fees.  After all, isn't that what it's all about? 

When they refer to the bankruptcy of the death sentence, the bankruptcy really comes from the continued and incessant ability for the murderer to employ attorneys and make constant pleas using the system at the taxpayer's expense. The death penalty was not a deterrent for Alan Matheney because he knew that the average length of time received for punishment, for murder of a spouse or girlfriend, as he intimated to me, is eight years.  I didn't believe him until I researched it. 

What kind of framework for punishment have we given prospective murderers like him?  How could the death penalty be a deterrent when it has not been used often?  Because it paves the way for year after year  of taxpayer-funded assistance, in addition to all the money spent to bring the criminal to trial and justice.  How can it be a deterrent if
it is well known that it will not be used and employed in a time-line fashion?
What do you think?
Millie, working for Lisa and her sisters in  circumstance.

     AS the mother of a brutally murdered victim, I always read with interest the views of others on the death penalty.  Several times I confronted (in print) on this issue the views of Notre Dame law professors.  There was, of course, much discussion in South Bend on the death penalty.   I would smile to myself as I wondered "How much can a Notre Dame law professor know about the realities of the  system, especially domestic violence with his limited view from the library"?
 
Henry David Thoreau wrote --"A truly good book teaches me better than to read it.  I must lay it down and, commence  living on it's hint....what I began by reading I must finish by acting."   Realities must be factored into ideology.
More in the next blog.
Take care of yourself.
Milliie

To my daughter, Lisa

     Lisa, your life now is a series of papers, photographs, newspaper clippings.  First, your birth certificate, followed by pictures of a beautiful little girl with big brown eyes peeking out from under brim of a pink bonnet.  Your report cards, showing already your drive to earn good grades.  The pictures of you in your lacy first communion dress and veil, then your chubby pre-teen years.  Then your marriage license.

Now the copies of police reports amidst the birth certificates of your beautiful daughters.  So many police reports.  Your application for the work study- program, scholarship, preparations for earning your degrees at university.  Your divorce papers.  More police reports.  Restraining orders, the copy of  "Who's Who In American Colleges". with your name in it.

     Your pink name card from your position at the Elkhart Womens' Shelter.  Finally, your death certificate.  It describes in graphic detail the atrocities inflicted on your head and body from the butt end of a shotgun on your little defenseless body that led to your death.

I can only do all that I can for your children and for as many women as I can.

I must let you know somehow, Lisa, how terribly embarrassed, ashamed, and sorry that in spite of your strength, spirit, determination and pain, the system chose indifference,
Know that your spirit lives on.
Love always,

Mom

I wanted to share this dream with you because of the insight it gave me and to acknowledge her life.  What a tremendous effort on her part just to live her own life and provide a normal life for her children and keep smiling that beautiful smile.
I dreamed that Alan Matheney was out of prison and that I was now being stalked.
During the time between Lisa's murder and now, I built up this sheer wall in gut, heart, and mind that I would have no fear of him because I willed that he would not "kill" me emotionally and to present a good front to the girls.
In the dream, a thought and fear emanating from the pit of my stomach and the back of my mind was:
"What is he going to do next?"
"What will I find when I get home?"
"When is he going to kill me as he promised?"
"I know they won't do anything 'till he kills me."
"Why will no one listen and believe?"
"Why does no one care?
Everything I did in the normal course of the day had to be filtered thru this.
In the dream, I did find him in the house when I came home and I remember his telling me that my work in domestic violence was going to be my downfall.  There was an object that was either a cell phone or a gun that I slipped under a mattress.  In the last scene of the dream, there were police outside the door, but I could not get away. 
In that dream, I lived Lisa's and so many others' life.

Dear God,  why women?  It took us some 100 years to get the vote, how long before the facts are acknowledged?  Without acknowledgment can there be change?
Ever working for Lisa and you.
Millie

Why the title "Who Killed Lana B?"
First, we need to understand that is not simply a matter between  two people.
Like Clinton's book about it taking a community to raise a child, it takes a community to deal with the problem and that means that they need to understand the complexity of the problem.  There is a historical, gender, biological and legal perspective. So, the first step is to educate yourself.
Many people will be in denial of the problem. Women, because they think it can't happen to them .  Men because of  ego and brotherhood.  People will resist change if they refuse to acknowledge the facts.
One of favorite quotes on the situation:
"Evil is like a shadow---it has no real substance, it is simply  a lack of light.
You cannot cause a shadow to disappear by trying to fight it, stamp on it, by railing against it.  In order to cause a shadow to disappear, you must shine a light on it.---Shakyi Gawain, Teacher, author
This what I have tried to do since Lisa's murder, shine the light.
If I had my druthers, I might have published the book under a title something like domestic violence for dummies, there's so much the public doesn't know.  Read Lisa's experience and learn.  It is my hope to get the message out to the greatest number of people, along with specific thing they can do to change the situation besides Smith and Wesson therapy.
Hope for all Lisas.
Millie

 I remember another Mothers Day when the girls, Brooke and Amber were 6 and 10.  Lisa's lawyer had told her to get out of town because there was no stopping a man obsessed and to whom a restraining order was just a piece of paper.  We took off in the dark of night, like fugitives.  We stayed in off-the-road motels and once in a friend's summer cottage.  We were staying in one of the out-of-sight motels.  I woke up Mother's Day morning to find that Lisa had managed to waken the girls and leave before I woke up.  She soon returned with breakfast from McDonalds and she presented me with a Mothers coffee mug that she had managed to pick up during our travels.  Running for her life and treating her mother on her day.  Isn't that what all mothers do on their special day?   What kind of a system is this?

Mother's Day for me is lacking two children, Lisa and Michael who was killed in an auto accident.  But, Washington gave me the title of Mother of Victim Notification, so I'll fly that flag, and be mother to all  of women for whom I work.  I call them Lisa's sisters. I sincerely hope that you're having the kind of Mother's Day you deserve.  Remember to keep the children safe from mayhem and harm, it's the most important job you'll ever have.